Perhaps I Overcomplicate Things...

The other day, someone told me I needed to post on my blog. I was actually beginning to wonder if people cared to read it anymore (it was nice to hear someone did), and sometimes life just causes me to rethink and wonder if I am using our blog in the best way....  as in, do I post for me, or do I post because I want someone else to read it? And why? To impress people? As a creative outlet? To share with friends what we are doing in our lives (minus the boring or hard things that people don't want to hear)? Sometimes I think that many blogs tend to paint an ultra rosy picture of what is happening in peoples lives, when what I actually want to hear is the truth. But then I wonder if others really want to hear the truth too, or just the exciting things. And maybe some of the truths that we don't post are just too personal for a blog, but much better for a real conversation. Sometimes it seems like because of all of the media in our lives, it is harder to have those real conversations. There are some people that I keep up with almost exclusively through their blogs. But I don't feel like blogs usually (with a few wonderful exceptions) really represent what is really going on and allow you to connect at the heart, and sometimes they can even make you wonder if you are living up to all the rosy pictures being painted.  I feel confused sometimes on who my audience really is; is it for me, or is it for you, the reader? And when you, the reader, reads said blog, what do you think? "oh, that's nice, now I can read the next blog", or "Man, I really need to get some stuff done, why am I still reading blogs?" "or, "I haven't talked to this person in years, why am I still reading their blog?" Or how about, "wow, I really miss that girl, I should call her!" And what do I even want you to gain from it? Does it matter?  I don't really want to encourage everyone else to waste time on the computer as much as I have at times. But with blogs, where is the line between wasting time, and actually doing something of value because you are making a record for your family, bearing your testimony and sharing wisdom you have gained, and sort of "staying connected" with friends and learning from them (without actually talking to them, of course)?

I have spent a lot of time thinking about how I use my time, as it is one of the things I really struggle with. Sometimes with blogs and Pinterest and Facebook, etc, it is hard for me to know when I am doing the right thing by "keeping up" with friends (because I really am genuinely interested) and good information or doing the wrong thing by wasting time that could be better spent on other more important things, like real life actions and conversations and friendships and being a better wife and mom. So in my struggle to not waste time, I don't want to waste other people's time and make them feel like the have to read my blog, review and pin my Pins, and see what I post on Facebook to remain my friend. I also don't want them to feel like I don't care if I don't read about them--because really, I do! It's hard for me to understand when the powerful, incredible tool of technology turns into a time-wasting trap that actually alienates us more from others when we meant to be reaching out. It's hard for me to know when my words will add value to someone's life, or just make them feel like there's one more thing they ought to read. I love to read about others (usually) and see what they are up to, and be inspired by who they are and what they share, and I don't like to feel like I am missing out on something important because I didn't check Facebook. I guess I am just struggling with how to balance it all and adjust to this media-infused life as we know it today, without losing sight of what really matters, or encouraging others to lose sight too. And I feel like what we do with our time matters a great deal, and it is a great tool of the adversary to get us to be complacent and always busy doing nothing, never noticing that there is so much that is so very important to be done. Or to get stuck ever learning how to do what needs to be done the "right" way without ever actually acting and learning as you go (oh, Pinterest).

Who can relate? What have you done to be more balanced and teach your family to be balanced and experience REAL life? I'm not so sure that abandoning all media is the answer, but what is? I have struggled with posting because of all of these thoughts and questions lately. And why DO you read this blog? You can be completely honest about any of this, and I will like it. And if you still read this blog and want to continue, can you please let me know? I guess I am just trying to figure out how to use it (or not use it) the "right" way.

Twingle Bells and other Fun Millie-isms

There is a new version of jingle bells coming your way:

"Twingle Bells, Twingle Bells, Twingle all the way!

Old McDon-it is to ride in a one hurse open sleigh, HEY!" (Repeated Indefinitely)

The other day Millie came to me with her little stuffed dog and said, "Look at my puppy--He's so stinking cute!

Today we were driving in the car and Millie was being a little wild. Brandon said, "You sure have a lot of rambunction. Millie replied, "I don't have rambuntion, I have ENERGY!

Millie and I were looking at the picture of Jesus washing his apostle's feet in church, and I asked Millie if she knew what He was doing. She said, "Yes, He is painting their toenails!" 

I'm still working on potty training Millie for pee, so I was trying to get her to notice how her body feels when she needs to go, so I told her to ask her body if it needs to go potty. So she obediently said, "Body, do you have any pee in you? It say NO." We still sometimes have her ask her body, and it's usually pretty funny, because she says it loud enough for everyone to hear. The problem is, it always "say NO."

And speaking of bathrooms, public bathrooms are always so funny with Millie, because she is so intensely curious about the people in the next stall. One recent conversation went something like this:

"Who is that?"

"It's a lady." 

"What's hers name?"

"I don't know what her name is."

"She has a pretty ring on her toe"

"Yes, it is nice, isn't it?"

"But she has an owie on her feet. I should kiss it better."

"You think so? I'm not so sure that's a good idea"

"Who IS she? I want to see her!"

"We actually don't look at other people when they are in the bathroom."

"Oh. Do we actually leave other people alone in the bathroom?"

"yep."

I can only imagine what the toe ring lady was thinking. 

Leapin Lizards!

We let Millie dress up as her favorite movie character this year... and we got in on the fun a little bit too! 

Some of my favorite Millie-isms

Millie has been 2 for a few weeks now, and she is super fun! We definitely love having her around. These are some cute things she has been saying or doing lately:

- (While holding her hands like scriptures) "An' it cane-a-pass, that Jesus died. An' then he cane-a-live again! He's a nice guy. He got an owie on his hand. I love 'im."
- The floor = "the fleur"
- Crocogator (crocodile)
- We were eating leftover gyros with pieces of beef in them, Millie said, "Mom, is this poop?"
- After getting dressed one morning, Millie said, "I'm all clothesied!"
- I'm all nakend! (said while running around with a mischievous grin on her face, not "clothesied")
- "I have a bug-bike on my leg!"
- We have Millie repeat words to us as we read scriptures together. The other day, we had her say "Ant-Nephi-Lehi." She said "anti-anti-Lefi." Sometimes teaching her these words backfires when people say them in Sacrament meeting and she excitedly (and loudly) repeats the word.. "Abinadai! Mom, say Abinadai!" She insists until we say it.
- When she's frustrated, sometimes she'll say "I'anna hit people!" I tell her no, so she says, "kick people?"  Then sometimes she says "Make people feel better?" And I tell her that's a great idea.  Then she gives hugs and kisses.
- Millie said an impromptu prayer and asked that Brandon have a good "workin." When he got home, she said, "Dad, did you have a good workin'?"
- She loves to tip her old play gym on its side and pretend like it's a music stand (I think) and sing songs at it. Usually the songs are about things she sees mixed with blabber and uh-huhs.
- She also has become pretty good at singing a few real songs, like I am a Child of God, Twinkle Twinkle, I Got a Dream (Tangled), Happy Birthday, and You are my Sunshine.
- She has made up two funny games: One, she pretends like she is holding a key and puts it somewhere, like on her nose or in her mouth, and I have to get it and put it somewhere else, and then she'll get it and put it somewhere else. We can play this game for a very long time. The other, we tickle each other with tickle bugs (make our hands crawl like bugs).
- She believes she can catch airplanes and stars and throw them back, and touch the sky.
- She is mostly potty trained... depending on the day.
- When we correct her, she usually says "Ooooh. Right!"
- She was making a "zzzzzz" sound, and said, "I'm zizzin'." I love that she make up words even better than I do.
- Once I ate a treat that she was really hoping to eat, and she was so sad. She sweetly said, "mommy, did you eat my treat?" The way she said it with tears in her eyes but without whining melted my heart and made me feel bad. :)
- She loves to pretend; one day she pretended her dad was so tiny she could hold him in her hand. She also loves to pretend she is a baby and many animals, etc.
- She is very observant and picks up on people's names without being told.
- She is saying and understanding sooo much lately. I love it.

- A recent conversation:

Millie, what does daddy look like?"

"um... a caco." 

"A Taco?"

"uh huh, a taco; daddy looks like a taco on his head." 

Then I describe what I think daddy looks like (brown hair, blue eyes, sometimes glasses, handsome, and short for a man), and ask what she likes do do with him. She said, "I like his big hugs."

Then she says, "daddy is so nice!"

"Yes, he's a nice guy."

"He's a MAN!"

Millie-isms

Millie is getting to be quite the little character. It is really cool to see her personality emerging as we start to hear what's been going on inside her head.

At first, Millie may seem very quiet, but she isn't really. She likes to observe a lot before she says much. I am also this way. She does well playing with others, and doesn't usually mind too much when they play with her toys. While some of her friends will argue back and forth over one toy, she will usually just go find something else instead. She is pretty independent. When we go to playgroup, I often find her happily running around by herself. She also likes to figure out how to do things on her own.

She has learned that she can call herself "Me." She can count... to 2. She goes "2,2,2,2,..." She says she is 2 while holding up 1 finger. She knows most of her colors now, and can say yellow, blue, purple, and pink. She knows her body parts extremely well, some of the latest are shins, nostrils, ankles, heels, wrists, hips. She is obsessed with my friend's dog Lyla and always says "Lyla, soft."

Her favorite songs are "Temple" (I Love to see the Temple), Ashes, Ashes (Ring Around the Rosies), and anything about Daddies, Mommies and Babies (sometimes we have to get creative. The other night I heard Brandon singing her "I am a Baby of God"). She takes after Brandon in that she usually makes up her songs instead of singing ones that already exist.

Lately, Millie has been really interested in the toilet, and usually uses it 2-3 times a day. I am still hesitant about potty training, so haven't really been pushing it, but I have been acting excited over all of her little successes. It has rubbed off on her, because the other day when she heard me "having success," she made a big excited, surprised face, clapped and said, "yay, mommy!"

She is pretty mischievous--

I was giving her a bath the other day and reminded her not to drink the bath water. So instead of drinking the water, she had her toys pretend to drink it and say "mmm, yum!" Then she kept dipping her fingers in it and taking quick little tastes, with a mischievous gleam in her eyes.

She likes to steal my water bottle and drink from it, even when hers is right next to it. Then she giggles.

She often runs away when she knows we need her--like when we are about to change her diaper. She loves to be chased, so she'll always check to make sure we're following.

One way we have gotten her to give us hugs for a while now is by telling her to "squish" us. It works best when you tell her to squish a different person than yourself. We pretend like it's a form of teasing and say "ahhh! you're squishing me!" She is more likely to squish us when she's in a teasing mood than give out hugs.

She loves to steal our shoes and practice walking in them.

She has learned a lot of facial expressions, like sad, mad, happy, silly, winking, kissy face, fishy face, and excited/surprised. I haven't taught her this, but she also sometimes rolls her eyes up and to the side and acts exasperated. She uses these expressions at sometimes really funny times. I have caught her glaring at me when I look over my shoulder while cleaning the kitchen a few times, just to have her start giggling.

Silly

Bored

Surprised/Excited (accompanied with a quick intake of breath)

Wink (takes a great deal of effort--first she closes both eyes, then she opens one)

Mad (I love that she puts her eyebrows as far down as they can go. We usually have to sing about frowns and smiles when this one comes out)

Sad (accompanied by "oh-hohoh!")

"Happy!"

The Kissy Face

I know this is blurry, but check out how far those little lips pucker! It's quite an impressive feat that we always try to mimic, just not quite as well.

Creating Chaos on the laptop on the tabletop.

Love this Face! (wearing a diaper cover on her head)

Climbing

A few weeks ago, we went to a climbing gym for our date. It was a lot of fun, and made us (especially Brandon) realize how much we miss climbing. Mountains are not so readily available here as they were in Utah. So, Brandon decided to build a climbing wall in our garage.

Here is space where the wall was built:

And some of the materials he built it with:

Here is Brandon screwing in the frame. If you look closely, you can see his concentrating face. What you don't see is that I was just holding up that frame with my strong muscles. True Story.

Brandon framed around the garage door opener to give us more space and variety.

In order to allow the light to show through, we cut a hold out of the wood in the shape of Millie's feet. :)

The Honda still fits nicely underneath the wall.

We made a mat to cushion our falls. It is stuffed with foam scraps, and took quite a lot of effort to make. It works nicely and folds in half and can be stored behind the wall. Thanks to my mom for donating the fabric.

There is even a place to hang our shoes and chalk bags.

Brandon with his completed masterpiece. :) It has been fun for our family to go out and climb together! Millie even tries it. :)

Millie's Room

Quite a long time ago, I said that I might post pictures of Millie's room. I never did, and as time went on, I decided it probably didn't matter to most people anyway. But I did have someone ask to see a pictures of it just this week, so this post is for Katie. :) Also, I am glad that I have a reason to record it, because I realized that I didn't have many pictures of it, and I think it's my favorite room it the house. It has changed in lots of little ways over the past year and a half. Many of the things in it were lovingly made by family members.

Here is the view from the door:

Millie's crib is the crib that I had when I was little!

Bed Set (not all is shown)--Brandon's mom

"AMELIA", "A" (hanging from shelf), and little plaque on shelf--Brandon's sister Heather

Blessing Dress--My mom (made from vintage pillow case)

Pillow--Me

Tent--Brandon and Me (My mom helped too--it was made from an old sheet from her wedding and was Millie's Christmas present. There once was a rocking chair there. Now it's hanging out in the guest room)

Curtains--Mostly my mom, a little by me.

Cowboy hat--Fort Worth Stockyards--a fun memory. Millie thinks cowboys say "uh-oh" instead of "yeehaw."

Dresser--My old dresser, with repainted knobs

I painted the boxes on the ferris wheel (a cheap find), and crocheted the round thing (doily?) the piggy is standing on (mostly I just needed some place to put it). Brandon made the lamp out of an old seltzer bottle for me when we were dating.
Book Case and hanging shelf from Ikea. We painted the baskets so they would be more fun.

Quilt in bookshelf--my mom. We also received many other beautiful quilts from my mom/aunts, my cousin Katie, and a friend of Brandon's family.

Embroidery Hoop decor--me

Bow holder--an old frame, repurposed.

Changing pad cover--my mom

And there you have it! My favorite place in the house!

Amelia

Millie makes me smile. Here are some of the things she does that make me smile...

- On Christmas day, she said, "Hi Mommy, I love ya!" That is the biggest sentance we have heard her say before or since, but it was a wonderful Christmas present.

- We took her ice skating while visiting family in Utah this Christmas. She LOVED it. I am so glad. :) I had fears of her crying and hating it, but she was always grinning and saying, "Ice! Ice!"

- She says "uh huh" to just about everything. Sometimes it really means uh huh, but other times I think it just means that she heard what we said... Kind of like Brandon when he is on the computer pretending to listen to me. :)

- She has started saying "pease" when she wants something. It's pretty hard to resist.

- She has had increasing interest in the toilet lately, and asks to sit on it once or twice a day. She calls it "poppie." I think she means "poopy," or maybe "potty," or maybe that just her own random word for it. Last night, she even had some success while sitting there! It was exciting. Weird how parents can get so excited about Pee and Poop.

- She loves to help with everything she can--and some things she can't. She gets mad at me if I don't let her put the wipes away after we change her diaper, and she knows where most of the dishes go and loves to help empty the dishwasher, and sometimes she will even help put away her toys.

- She has funny eating quirks. I guess they are generally not so funny (more exasperating), but I wanted to document them. She likes to suck on her food for LOOONG periods of time. A couple of times I have even found food in her mouth after she has woken up from her nap (scary, right?). And even then, she will continue to suck on it. She also likes to spit out whatever she is eating/sucking on if she sees something better.

Millie survived strep throat and allergies to two different medicines she was given for strep throat before Christmas. She had awful hives for a few days, and a really bad fever. Her sickness doesn't make me happy, but it sure makes me thankful when it's over.

- She is almost always jabbering when we are at home. Some of her latest words are Up, dow (down), uh huh, pease (please), Poppie (toilet), cheese, ca (car), agua (water), hi, hello, babye, many animal sounds (lion, cow, cat, dog, monkey, gorilla, duck, chicken, sheep, horse, bird...) all of the sounds in Mr Brown Can Moo, fis (fishies). She also entertains us by attempting to beatbox and dance, bursting into little songs, and mimicking us in funny ways. She does not like to show off her sounds when we ask, though. And when we are in public, she is usually very quiet, so many people think she doesn't say much. Little do they know...

She is quite the little mama. She loves babies, and can be found trying to help any baby she sees (Usually this means she takes their binkie from them, sucks on it, then tries to give it back.) She enjoyed hugging, holding, and kissing her little cousins when we visited Utah (and playing with the bigger ones). She likes to wrap, rock, pat, sing to, and feed her dolls. She makes a whimpering sound and a sad face whenever she hears others crying, and also pretends that her dolls are crying and comforts them.

She is still a teaser, and loves to do things like run away when she knows it's time to change her diaper, or pretend to bite me (though it's never pleasant when she forgets to pretend), or tickle or squish us, or make silly faces.

It's so incredible to see her little personality coming out, and to treasure small moments each day that make motherhood worth it.

Piano

Lately, Amelia been sitting for long periods of time at the piano, playing and singing her heart out. I love it. :)

Whirlwind of an October

This past month has been super busy, and also very good. We are hoping things will slow down a little bit in November. Here is a glimpse of things that have going on this past month:

We (mostly Brandon) started October with a "quick" front door painting project that we were going to finish between conference sessions. It turned into a much bigger project (we learned that regular primer doesn't stick to a plastic door) and took a while to complete. Isn't that funny how that happens sometimes? But it looks so much better now!

Brandon got a call from a "head hunter" a while ago who was looking for someone that would be interested in working for Cooper Industries. So he went through the interview process this month and was given a job offer at Cooper! Although he will miss his friends at Raytheon and is grateful for the wonderful opportunities he has had, he is excited to start at Cooper on Monday!

Brandon has also been extremely involved in scouts this month. He works with the 11-year-old scouts, and he has had many nights of training, activities, and camp this month. I never knew scouting was so intense. I think it will be fun for him though.

Millie has greatly improved her climbing skills and is keeping me busy. One day a couple of weeks ago, I walked into the kitchen to find her standing on the table. I sort of forgot to breathe for a few seconds; she had only climbed onto a chair for the first time earlier that morning. Now she must be watched even more closely than before. She loves being up high, and her exuberant celebration and dancing when she has climbed somewhere make me a little nervous. She continues to charm us with her cuteness and amaze us with all of the things she is learning. I love the way she says "Dak'mm" (thank you) every time I give her something, and the way she smiles and waves at strangers and makes friends wherever we go, and the way she loves spinning (I do too). She loves to explore, and rarely stays put in one room for very long. Luckily, we have discovered the magical secret to being able to watch an entire movie together: If we turn off all of the lights in the house except for one in the family room, she will stay with us and play so we can relax. It's funny how something so simple like that can be so magical!

Brandon's parents took all of their kids and grandkids to Disneyland for a week. It was lots of fun! It was especially meaningful for us to have time to spend with our family. That time has sure become more precious to us since we moved away. Some of us also went surfing a couple times (a first for me), and it was more fun than I thought it would be (I am NOT a swimmer and had never swam in the ocean)! It's such an amazing feeling to ride a wave. We were able to make lots of great memories on our trip.

Just a few days after we got home from California, my parents came to visit. We went with them to San Antonio for a couple of days and enjoyed spending time with them. They stayed here through Halloween. We had a great time, but I have no proof, because all of our pictures were taken with my mom's camera.

I decided to dress Millie up as "Rapunzel" for Halloween. Her costume was based loosely off of Rapunzel... the one at the end of the movie with short, brown hair. :) Brandon thought that was a little weird, because Rapunzel is known for her long, golden hair. So sometimes I just told people she was a princess. But either way, it didn't matter; she was cute. I have always thought homemade Halloween costumes are more fun, and it was exciting to create Millie's first real costume. We took it with us to Disneyland because her cousins were dressing up one day too, and it was fun to join in on the fun (but impossible to get a good picture of all of them).

Tidbits

Millie says a lot lately. Here are some of our favorites:

Mama, Dada (sometimes this means much more than just Dad), Dance (always accompanied by a little dance), Ah wuv ya (I love you), Jesus, Ice (means anything that she wants to eat, but especially ice), Hi, Uh huh (usually echoing us whenever we say it). Lots of the other things she says are mimicking us.

On Friday, she said her first prayer, and it was so adorable. She started folding her arms, so I stopped the music and asked if she wanted to pray. Then she squinched her eyes shut and said something in Millie-speak. She opened them and looked at me as if she wanted me to tell her what to say, so I did, and she did it again and again, all the way through a prayer. Even though I didn't understand what she said, I'm sure Heavenly Father did. :)

She has all sorts of tricks too. She can play Patty-cake by herself, Point to her tongue, teeth, mouth, nose, eyelashes, ears, hair, hands, knees, feet, toes, head, and sometimes elbows.

She likes to "help" with the laundry and water the garden and uses almost anything as a phone. She also does amazing things with the computer keyboard that even Brandon doesn't know how to do.

She is really proud of her backwards and sideways walking skills and likes to pull us around the house and roll us over and help us stand up.

We Canoe, Can you?

A week ago, we went canoeing with one of Brandon's friends from work and his family for FHE. It was so fun! Millie loved it and sat still the whole time. I love how she makes everything seem new and exciting again. It's so fun to show her the lovely things of life. We often go walking around this lake, and it was fun to finally get out in the middle of it.

I had shingles. It is a weird, painful rash related to chicken pox and cold sores. It felt like a fresh burn that itched. It lasted a couple weeks, and I'm glad it's gone. :)

General Conference was good, eh? I really liked the one talk about using time wisely. It was just for me. It's amazing how you can always find something just for you at conference. It's so neat to have such guidance from Heavenly Father.

13 Months

I have been planning on posting about Millie and what she was doing at a year... plus a couple of weeks, but I finally sat down to do it and realized that she is already 13 months old! Time is just going by too fast! It has been so fun to see Amelia's personality begin to emerge these past few months. These are a few of the things she has been doing lately:

• You know the part on the movie Elf, where he is sneaking cotton balls into his mouth because he thinks they are candy? Millie does this with paper. She looks at us mischievously, stuffs it in her mouth, and runs away. If we try to get it out, she giggles and usually swallows it before we can get it.
• A few weeks ago, she figured out how to get past the child locks on the cupboard doors. Funny, it took us so long to finally get them installed, but now they aren't even useful.
• She loves to climb things and people. We now keep our oven door locked.
• The other day, she was kept running between two cupboards that I didn't want her to get into. I told her "no, no, no!" and she grinned and said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
• She loves ice cubes, and always says, "ice? ice?"
• She has started giving the best hugs. I absolutely love the feeling of those little arms and hands around my neck, accompanied with an "mmmm." It doesn't get much sweeter than that.
• She gives sweet little kisses, sometimes many in a row. She sometimes likes to tease us with her kisses, and pretend like she doesn't want to give us any.
• She also is pretty good at zorberts (you know, when you blow on someone's stomach and it makes a silly sound?) She figured that one out on her own.
• She is very motherly already. She likes to help with laundry and dishes, and she loves littler babies and tries to give them kisses and hugs and talks to them in a high voice.
• We have alphabet letters on the fridge, and she likes to hide them (and other things) all over the house. It's always fun to open a drawer and find something that doesn't belong.
• When she is excited, she stomps her feet really fast.
• She is expanding her dance moves--She loves spinning and head-banging.
• One of the not-so-sweet things she has been doing for a few months (but ever-increasingly) is gagging herself. She does this whenever she is bored and wants some attention or change. Many times she has made herself throw up--Yuck! And then she tries to play with it. I wish I knew how to make this stop.
• On a happier note, she has finally learned how to fall asleep in her own bed (instead of screaming in it). It is a great thing.
• We are also halfway through weaning. But I am worried that I won't be able to calm her down enough to put her to sleep without nursing her. Any suggestions, moms? She has always been very sleepy when nursing, so it was... convenient. But now? I'm not sure what to do.

From God's Arms

In February of this year, something incredible happened. Late one night, after everyone was asleep, I felt inspired to go look at the computer. I thought it was a bit of a strange inspiration, but I did it anyway. I checked email, looked at blogs--the normal stuff, and didn't find anything unusual. I went back to my room, wondering why I had felt so strongly about it, and said a prayer. As I was praying, suddenly I began thinking of my birthmother; she was all I could think about.

To give you more background information, I was adopted as a baby. It was a closed adoption; I knew very little about my birthmother. She and my parents were allowed to exchange a letter once a year (although it hadn't happend for many years) through LDS social services, so I knew just what little I had been able to glean from those letters, and also that she was 16 when I was born. Being adopted is something I have always seen as a great gift and blessing.

Anyway, after I finished praying, I curiously decided to look up "finding LDS birthparents" on my phone. I clicked on the first website that came up, and it happened to be an adoption registry. I simply put in my gender, birthdate, and state of birth, and clicked 'search', and there was a match! It came up with a profile that had been put in by someone named Cherilyn. She had entered some information about herself, and then put as much as she knew in about her birthchild. As I read the description, I was shocked to see that it was describing me! She knew that I was short, that I had one brother who was 3 years older, and that as a baby I had blue eyes and blackish hair. The doctor and hospital were a match as well. I created my own profile so I could access her contact information. I was having a hard time breathing and believing my eyes. Could it really be true that I had found her in less than 5 minutes? I woke up Brandon and told him about it. He was very excited for me, but quite sleepy.

For the next few days, I was on an emotional roller coaster. This had to be her! Should I contact her? What if she was mean or crazy? What if she wanted to take over my life? What if she didn't want anything to do with me? What would my parents think? Would they be hurt or excited? What if??? What if it was great? What if I didn't do anything about it? What if I did? What if her family didn't know about me? What if I regretted it, and I couldn't go back? What if??? Brandon was very patient and comforting through all of this, and I kept coming back to the conclusion that I really did feel prompted to look her up. It wasn't just chance that I found her. And so with faith that Heavenly Father was behind all of this, I started writing her a careful email to make sure that she really was who I thought she was, and to thank her for the choice that she had made. And I sent it.

Meanwhile, Cher had just emptied 152 messages from her junk mail folder. She always received unwanted mail from that adoption registry site, so it automatically went into her junk mail. My email went in to her junk mail just moments after she had emptied it. She may have never noticed it otherwise. But she did notice it, and it turns out that SHE WAS WHO I HOPED SHE WAS! Not only that, but it turns out that she is the opposite of what all of my fears said she would be. She emailed me back and we have been exchanging emails and pictures and getting to know each other better ever since. She is very kind and excited about me and has a sweet little family of her own. She has two cute little girls. I think they are in 1st and 3rd grade. She lives in the Salt Lake area and comes from a large family. It has been very neat, and also quite emotional for everyone involved to get to know her better and go through this experience. It has also been enlightening to see where some of my talents and traits came from. Ones that in my family are a little strange, like music and writing, are more common in Cher's family. Her mother even has a master's degree in music and a hymn in the hymnbook (hymn #8)! It is so neat to know that Cher is a great person, and I am so excited to be able to be her friend!

A couple of weeks ago when we were in Utah, we were finally able to meet Cher and her family. Brandon, Millie, and I spent a day with them, and despite both Cher and me being nervous and not being able to sleep much the night before, I think it went quite well. It is kind of like I have been able to fill in a missing piece of my puzzle. It's also interesting and exciting to look a little like someone else. :)

The day before we met Cher, my parents spoke in their Priesthood/Relief Society class about adoption. It was a neat chance for me to hear their perspective, and also to reflect again on my own feelings about it. Although I think at times this all has been a little hard for them, they have been very supportive and curious about it. I am so grateful that I was adopted. I have felt strongly many times that I was meant to be with my family, and I am so glad to have been raised by two incredible parents. I am grateful for the blessings of the temple; for me it has made me feel like I truly belong with and can keep my family forever. Perhaps you have heard the phrase "It's about love" associated with adoption. I know that is true; my parents love me as if I was their own flesh and blood... or even more. Cher showed tremendous love, both for me and for herself, when she gave me up for adoption. I have realized just how involved Heavenly Father is in our lives. He knows what we need and where we need to be, and he knows when the timing is right, and I know that when we turn to him, he can make the most difficult things turn into the most beautiful things. I have heard a few people say that they were bitter about being adopted, but I know that I have always felt double loved, and grateful.

A year ago now

A year ago at this time, I was laying in the hospital, clutching my barf-bag and oxygen mask in my shaking hands, and nearing the end of about 30 hours of labor pains. Brandon was getting very hungry and about to go find a snack (funny timing, he almost missed the birth...), and I was very "out of it," with lots of strange wires and things attached to me. We had no idea just how much our lives were about to change. Brandon rushed back to us after being called on the hospital loudspeakers, and after three quick pushes, Amelia was here!

Sometimes I say it seemed like we went to the hospital because I felt sick, but then we came home with a baby. That is how it felt to me; as if there was no way to prepare mentally for what was coming. But come she did, and though being a parent is not always easy, she has been such a joy and blessing in our lives!